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Rachel just so saved my live, I was dying with no music, as I can't reach mine on my computer, but now I am listening to the cds of hers I burned.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. soooooo refreshing. So, fern quite today, that was a shock. alright though, we'll work something out. I think I ave realized soething I did wrong in the whole Jordan thing. I think maybe I should have given himm that chance, I dunno, hard to explain. Oh well, the time has past now, too late. I hope he doesn't hate me forever.
Life can be so....much sometimes. Why do I care about other people? How could I imagine other people care abot me. Why are things so awkward? Jordan has hurt my feelings once more, but at least its a final kind of hurt, I really dislike it when people drag things out, it only makes it worse for both in my experience. I am dissapointed. I am dissapointed that he does not want to be my friend. I am dissapointed that I could not better the situation for tim. There is only one solution that I think would make Jordan happy, and I'm not sure that I would be willing to offer it. Once I might have, he had his chance, but he forfeited it. I don't know what tim thinks of the situation. I guess he really doesn't know whats going on...must go i am amidst a conversation
even adding an entry here makes me sad because the stupid thing got all fudged up and isn't my set up anymore. I don't feel happy today. I did feel happy but now I don't. I wonder why that is? Why do things I want become such a struggle that when I get them, I'm not happy and I almost don't even want them anymore? I have been feeling less happier lately. More things bother me than they did. Work is annoying, I shouldn't have gone back this year, it is boring, and frustrating, and unfulfilling. The whole situation with Jordan was rather taxing on me too. I kind of am bothered by it. Because he hurt my feelings on more than one occasion, but thats ok, and although I did nothing wrong, I have to work to make the situation better, even though I don't think if I had not gone to talk that he would have. I just wrote an email so hopefully that will help me deal with that. I don't know what is wrong with me lately, why I have been so upset and down, I don't like it. I don't want to feel this way. I'm on the defence, and I really don't know why. Anyway thats all I'll say I suppose.
I am really not feelin happy. I infact have been feeling rather blah for the last little while.
Sometimes life is such a challenge. I feel so frustrated right now, because there doesn't seem to be anything I can do to better my situation. Sarah says, no , join in if you want. Well I'm not going to try to join in where I am not welcome. James says well you are never around, and we just plan things sporatically. I don't plan things ahead of time sporatically. I am not going to ask to be invited along, obviously if they had wanted me along in the first place they would have invited me. And then there is tim. Sarah obviously does not want him around, at least I figured some things about. Have him around, whatever, he is your boyfriend, it is your house. Yes, but apparently she does not see that I care about her and I do not want her upset. So here I am, I try to make things better and all I do is remain exactly where I am, a prisoner to my room, with the only friends I have being those who I go out to meet. At least they want to see me.
Yeah, I am not too happy, really wanted to talk to someone about it but I didn't. I seem to be avoiding talking to the people I should be talking to, and as for anyone else, I don't really have anyone with whom I would be comfy just phoning up and saying this is how I feel what do I do. I talk a little bit with the girls at work... I am avoiding Tim. Not necessarily purposefully. I realized that I was and must kinda sort out why. Yeah, I guess I am a little paranoid. I am wondering how long Tim is actually going to like me for. It may be a stupid thought, and I shouldn't be thinking that way but I am. I guess likely as a result of my last two relationships. And it doesn't seem like we have much in commen in comparison to him and his previous girlfriends. I also feel awkward out cause I don't know what people think or expect or what tim thinks or expects cause during this whole time most of the time we spent together was spent alone. The Sarah thing is also bothering me. I feel kinda torn. I feel like I can't have tim over, and I'm upset because it feels as if Sarah will never hang out with me, and it feels personal, although well it might be I don't know, but I haven't talked to her yet. I also feel left out by Sarah and James, they always do things together and leave me out. I also just am not sure what tim sees in me at all. He says he thought of me as like unreachable but I can't see that, unless he just meant like cause we didn't hang out much. I'm nothing special. Like compare me to Jess and I've got nothing, ffatter, uglier, larger, stupider, les quick with logic etc etc. Yeah so thats my general feeling, not sure how to deal with that...
crappiest night in a long time
really did not enjoy that. Nope. Do not mean to insult anybody but I really didn't. I didn't like the last movie. I knew I wouldn't like it when I read the back. I didn't like it when I watched it. I didn't like the way it left me feeling. I didn't like it that I had nothing to get rid of that feeling. Oh well. Already saw the first movie. I didn't like it too much the first time around. In fact not much at all. Really not my thing. Felt awkward too. I hate this feeling... I had a decent day until this evening, but I doubt I will think of that now.
Scuse much rude or anything
Heyyyyo, sometimes I think the world is a crazy place, perhaps I am too self focussed. Today driving back from the docters office from having mouth keep bleeding and bleeding, after a night filled with pain and nauseasness (yep can't spell that) James tells me, you know what, hes gonna get Sarah some chinese food, cause you know what? She had a bad night. Also reminds me of several times coming home from school the land of no food to hear, oh Keri your brother doesn't get very many good meals, why don't you cook a niice one for him? Yeah its cool, at least the food was better. Well although I have missed out on both harveys and chinese food, I am proud cause I have eaten a whole lot today. acouple bits of jello and half a can of soup, oh yeah. Grr last night when I went back into the conzert, those hotdogs smelled so good. I so should have asked harveys if they had a blender.... Yeah, so sra upset, why? I asked, apparently something along the lines of you know when just everything adds up and really sucks, yeah I do kknow that, I can't help but think it did have something to do with my outing, its logical I believe, although I could very likely be wrong. But I can't see what else I could do, I invited her. She talks about how no one wants to be her friend, but she never sees them, I don't understand, oh well what can I do, I have no idea what is going on in her head, a she does not talk to me, anywho I'm outtie (go valley talk, scuse much rude or anything? hehe)
ugh, some things make me very upset, but then of course I am overreacting, I am always overreacting, nothing I ever do is right, why are my feelings never allowed. I am not allowed to be upset at either sarah or james for talking to MY msn contacts without clearly explaining it wasn't me, and stating things that lead me to believe that they think lowly of me for who I am. Because that was the same thing, of course, by saying i talk dirty to people, why not just tatoo whore on my face. I realize thats likely not what was meant, but I likely only get upset because of feelings that are already there, even if the feelings of resentment aren't as strong, they were there, and I hated being left out, and I hated being put as the perfect one, the one who did everything right, so bring me down, its ok to do that to the perfect one, shes perfect what does it matter. ugh, very inimpressed, very unimpressed
Well, here I am, at home. I think this is going to take some getting used to, although I muchly enjoy the food and the uberthick toilet paper. mmmmmmm food. its so good to have real bread again, mmmmmm real bread. Wow, I have like nothing to say, this is all I guess, for my non existant home life
tonight made me think about the little things of life. How sometimes you let little things that bother you go, you ignore them, because they aren't a big deal, but sometimes they build up and create a bigger problem, that could have easily been solved, just by saying, you know, that bothered me. I wish I had said to domi after that one night on the phone, that she had hurt my feelings, me geting upset at feeling resulting from that call is unfair because I don't know what she really meant i was just jumping to comclusions, i can't hold that against her and that is just one of many many examples, I think I will try to make that a new goal of mine, to try to say things clearly to other people about how i feel.
I finally come home, only to see, why it was that I wanted to leave
So I ruined everything again. I get upset, so mom makes it about herself and slams her door and goes in her room, and james goes away to his. leaving me here alone, upset, as usual. If james is upset, what happens? Oh mom goes down to find out whats the matter, to cheer him up, not for me, nope, I am not important enough I a,m all the trouble. She thinks I am lazi and doing bad in school because of it, that was clear the last time I was home. But is it all my fault? I'm not blaming her, but last time I came home it worked really well, she encouraged me to study and I actually got stuff done, this time she actually encourages me to watch movies. I don't understand why I always have to be the bad guy, If I am so bad why am I here. All I do is upset mom, and James and Sarah don't like me anyway, they always have their talking, talking on the phone, talking online, talking in emails, neither of them ever wants to talk to me, they don't invite me to do things with either of them, they always do their special things and leave me out. Well I guess this was how my life was destined to be, I was meant to fail out of school , and be hated by my family, my name does me dark one, oh but I guess that would be blaming my parents for my actions, can't do that. I guess I'm just a horrid person, If i had somewhere to go I might. Today brought back memories of last summer. I don't want to live the same way as last summer in some ways. I don't.
"The happiest day of my life is the day I die" Looking forward to summer, looking forward to my conzert, really like this song "can you feel the cold tonight, it sets in but its all right, darkness falls I'm letting go, all alone but I feel just fine". outtie bye
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